What Is Neurodiversity?

Whenever I work with couples, either as their therapist or coach, the first thing we do is discuss language. It's not as simple as it may seem.

Most of us have developed mildly idiosyncratic understandings of words we commonly use over the course of our lifetimes. To be sure, there are baseline definitions that we all agree on, but beyond that we all have a certain spin that we attach to words that is based in the particulars of our own life experience. 

This applies even to the most basic of words, words which you may absolutely insist that everyone uses in the same way. Happiness, sadness, frustration, anger, regret - these words may seem like pretty basic vocabulary. And yet couple after couple have come to see how slight differences in usage and interpretation can lead to enormous chasms of pain and distress in their communication.

In later posts, I will explore ways you can explore these potential challenges together. Today, let's look at the word neurodiversity.

In case it seems to you that the word came out of nowhere and is suddenly everywhere, you're on to something. It was coined by sociologist Judy Singer in the late 1990s to combat what she viewed as the pathologizing of the spectrum of human behavior. Wikipedia sums it up by saying that "...neurodiversity is a portmanteau used to refer to variation in the human brain regarding sociability, learning, attention, mood, and other mental functions in a non-pathological sense."

While Judy Singer was considering herself autistic as she developed her thoughts, the word has now come to include such other variants as dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome, as well as other developmental and speech issues. It is a huge concept, and, as such, there are some who disagree with the notion. Disagreement tends to aggregate around the fear that those who truly need assistance for genuine disabilities will not be able to get it if their disability is suddenly viewed as normal. You can imagine how quickly conversations about this word can get into the weeds.

The main point I'd like to make here is this: using the word neurodiversity to describe the normal range of human brain development to include autism is a way of viewing it as a normal variant rather than a disability. This is a construct, to be sure, but it is of extreme importance when we're talking about autism. Why?

Autism is present in roughly 2% of the global human population, according to several source estimates including the World Health Organization. As diagnostic procedures become more prevalent and refined, it is believed that percentage will rise as a function of identification, though possibly also as a rise in occurrence. These are the questions currently on the tables of researchers around the world.

If you talk to an autistic person about this, you will often hear something like, I'm fine when I'm on my own. It's when I have to interact with others that things get difficult for me and for them. 

And this is the point I'm making here and in my work with neurodiverse couples. 

The challenge is in what one of my favorite writers, John O'Donohue, calls The Space Between. In other words, it is within the relationship where the challenges arise. Both partners are uniquely centered as themselves, and it is in relationship that their differences emerge to confound communication and intimacy.

In my work and in this blog, my focus is on neurodiversity as it pertains specifically to couples in which one partner is or may be autistic and the other is not. I believe the word neurodivergent is a sound way to describe these partners: they are different, but neither is wrong. We explore the differences in order to see where bridges can be constructed as effective communication workarounds through skills and strategies based in psychology and also in the linguistic aspects of language that I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Remember that no autistic person is simply autistic, any more than a neurotypical person is simply neurotypical. Those are meaningless words on their own. They do, however, provide the context in which all other aspects of personhood are expressed. These include temperament, personality, intelligence, talents, skills, preferences, family of origin, socioeconomic influences, education, etc. 

As American poet Walt Whitman reminds us in Song of Myself, 

...I am large, I contain multitudes...

So it is with each of us.

A neurodiverse couple is a joining of these multitudes, as is any other couple. The difference here is that the lens neurodiverse partners use to perceive and interact with the world is not the same, due to differences in the physical structure of their brains.

This is what I mean when I use the word neurodiversity in my work with couples. We identify and respect the differences as we explore the way they show up in the relationship. This leads to increased intimacy when communication skills improve to accommodate the differences. 

This can also lead to a profound discernment that sometimes requires the reconfiguration of the relationship in order to help both partners get incontrovertible needs met. The answer is not necessarily conventional divorce.

The solutions to couples' challenges are as diverse as the neurodiverse relationships themselves.

In this blog, I will explore aspects of the neurodiverse relationship with a goal of helping you identify and understand your differences.

Warm wishes to you as you navigate this path.